Audge

Each year comes to an end and I sit here thinking "What did I do with my life the past year? Nothing."

Obviously that's not true, but seriously, where did the past year go? Life just goes faster and faster as I get older, and I don't know if I like that.

The past year has held a lot of adventures for sure. I discovered my innate love for Downton Abbey (season 4 here I COME!). I managed to get past another Valentine's Day without breaking anyone's heart. Let's see.....I was rejected for an internship, which led me to find something else I could do with my life. I sprained my ankle badly for the first time and couldn't walk properly, let alone run, for over a month. I backpacked 20 miles in the Wind River Mountains for the first time, and that was an adventure. Caught 3 beautiful fish in the process. I started and finished (remarkably) one of the hardest semesters of my college career. I got caught in the storm of all storm in the middle of a football field with nothing but a light jacket for protection. I experienced pain equivalent to pregnancy and went to the hospital for it (kidney stones will be the death of me someday). It's been a pretty eventful year.

But instead of dwelling on events like these, I've been pondering on what I've learned and how I've grown. Here's a few of the things I've come up with.

1. I've learned that failure completely depends on how you handle it. I fail at a lot of things. I make mistakes. But I've come to the conclusion that you can take it two ways. One, you can be completely consumed by that failure. Stay completely closed in your own little world and dwell on the fact you didn't meet whoever's expectations were at stake. OR, you can make that your spring board to bigger and better things. Or just....different things. I've found that when something doesn't go right for me, or exactly how I planned, something was just waiting around the corner that turned out to be even better. Yeah, its extremely hard to wait for that corner to turn isn't it? Patience has never been my strong point. And probably never will be. But.....that's why we're here right? Keeping on learning.

2. Vulnerability is a scary, but very healthy thing to experience. Opening yourself up and allowing things to happen to you. Letting people know how you feel, showing them how you feel. It can help us in our social interactions as well as discovering more of who we are. I've always been a very cautious person. As a young child, I didn't like showing my emotion. I hated crying in front of people (still do). I would run from conflict. I like making people happy and would rather take the hit myself and make sure everyone else is okay, just because I know I can deal with it. But every once in a while, its not a bad idea to do something for yourself. I can think of two specific instances in the past year that I allowed myself to be extremely vulnerable. In both cases, I essentially......failed. Although that's a harsh word for it. Because two great things came out of them: I found a different career path that I might not have ever considered, and I learned I have the confidence to do scary things, regardless of whether it works out or not. Vulnerability is a essential thing to many aspects of life. If you want to hear more, and see how I got inspired, check this TEDtalk out. It's fantastic.

3. Trust. Trust in others, in the future, and in yourself. As graduation approaches for me, obviously the future weighs heavily. Questions and doubts about what I should do, what I want to have happen, and what I wish would happen consistently rattle my brain. But what I've decided it really comes down to is trust. I've learned to trust others who help me. Trusting the fact that they want the best for me and that they'll do what they can to help. Trusting my Heavenly Father's plan for me, despite how FRUSTRATED I can get sometimes. Hahaha, this is me at night while in bed, "Just show me what the next door is. Or at least what the door looks like......or maybe the path to that door?? Maybe the face of my beloved?? JUST SHOW ME SOMETHING!" Me in the morning: "I just need to make it through this building.......okay now this building......okay now just make it through work Audrey. You can sleep again in.......18 hours." ANYWAYS, I've learned to trust that Heavenly Father isn't going to let me do something that I shouldn't. I remind myself of that everyday, and repeat it to myself when I stay home studying on Friday. Finally, trusting myself to do what's best for me. I've learned to trust my own judgement and to have more confidence in the things I do. Smile. Laugh. Lighten up. Not let the daunting future hold me back from enjoying the moment. When you are naturally someone who tends to only look at the big picture and constantly work to make sure everything is in place for the future, enjoying the moment can be a difficult thing. But it can also be a rewarding and pleasant thing.

Overall, I think it's been a pretty good year. I still don't know what's going to happen with my life. I still don't know why some things have happened the way they happened. But, I'm a better person because of it and I hope this next year proves to be an exciting one. Graduation, finding a real life job, and hopefully find a path that leads to that next door. :)

It's been good 2013. It's been real good.